


Life on the Wild Side

by AnonEhouse



Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Iron Man - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe, Cap-Ironman Bingo, Established Relationship, Gen, M/M, No Sex, Wilderness Survival
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-31
Updated: 2016-01-31
Packaged: 2018-05-17 11:53:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 780
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5868394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnonEhouse/pseuds/AnonEhouse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve shows Tony a wild time in Latveria. (Think of them as combination of MCU and 616.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Life on the Wild Side

(If you are reading this on any PAY site this is a STOLEN WORK, the author has NOT Given Permission for it to be here. If you're paying to read it, you're being cheated too because you can read it on Archiveofourown for FREE.)

 

Steve knocked the berries out of Tony's hand. "You can't eat them."

"Why the hell not?" Tony looked sadly at the shiny slightly elongated berries lying on the ground. "Birds were chowing down on them like crazy, they must be safe."

"You're not a bird." Steve kicked dirt and leaves over the berries. "That's deadly nightshade. Sure hope you didn't sample any."

Tony went wide-eyed. "No. There weren't a lot that the birds hadn't pecked at and I wanted to share them with you. So, watching the animals eat things..."

"Not really reliable." Steve picked up the backpack he'd made out of parachute shreds. "Deer love poison ivy, squirrels can eat strychnine, chickens can eat arsenic, turtles can eat mushrooms that would kill us."

"So, what can we eat?"

"Meat's pretty much safe. Mostly. But we can't take time to hunt or fish. Gotta get to the rendezvous point on time. They won't be able to wait for us. Doom's really territorial about Latveria, you know."

"Great, two day's hike on an empty stomach, with Doom's minions looking for us all the time. Sounds like fun."

"I'll keep an eye out as we go, and gather on the move. Don't bother with mushrooms, but if something smells like onion or garlic or mint, and looks like them, it's edible."

"What do they look like?" Steve gave Tony a look. "Hey, I never even did my own grocery shopping." Tony kept walking, but he looked tired. 

Steve reminded himself that Tony wasn't any kind of soldier, and telling him to buck up would be worse than useless. But give him something to learn and he'd be distracted. "I'll point things out, and you remember what they look like, where they grow, how they smell, and you can help find more."

"Fine." Tony shouldered his smaller pack, mainly containing the gadget they'd retrieved before being shot down. It was a pity they'd had to go in undercover, without Tony's suit or Steve's equipment. Tony still sounded grumpy. He needed more distraction.

"All mustards are edible," Steve said.

"Next you'll tell me ketchup plants are good."

"You get hungry enough, you'll eat mustard."

"But commissar, I don't like strawberries and cream," Tony muttered in a phony Russian accent. "Come the revolution, you shall eat strawberries and cream and like it!"

Steve didn't roll his eyes, but he felt like it. "Nearly all plants with white sap are inedible. Just about all white berries are toxic. Wild apples, on the other hand, are small and bitter, but if you roast them they can be delicious."

"We're gonna sit around roasting apples?"

"Gotta rest and sleep sometime." As they walked, Steve kept any eye out, not only for threats and possible food, but for Tony, who had a tendency to touch things, including things he shouldn't. Which was fine when it was Steve he was touching, but not stinging nettle or wasp nests.

"Oh, there's a lucky find," Steve said, kneeling beside a clump of thin green stalks topped with heads like miniature pale green wheat. "Asparagus." He pulled up all he saw, shook the dirt off and bit into one to demonstrate. "It's fine raw."

Tony scrunched up his nose. "I hate the way it makes my piss stink."

"Tough." 

 

"Where'd you learn all this, in the army?" Tony said that night, as they ate asparagus and a mixed salad of wood sorrel, sheep sorrel, mustard, young dandelion leaves, and curled dock stalks while they waited for some small red apples to finish baking. Despite his warning, Tony had tried to eat one raw, and the face he'd pulled at the bitterness had made Steve laugh.

"Uh huh, US. Army Survival Guide, I'll buy you a copy when we get home," Steve said, stretching out his feet to press against Tony's. He saw Tony wince. "Told you to wear two pair of socks."

"I know, I know. Rub my feet?"

"Baby," Steve said, fondly. He pulled off Tony's shoes and socks and began rubbing. "You know, this isn't so bad."

"Sure, we're living La Vida Loca, feeding on weeds, tramping through the friendly Latverian wilderness." But Tony was grinning. "Hey! Can any of these plants be used for other things?" He wriggled his eyebrows suggestively.

"No, Tony, Latveria is not home to the native lube plant."

"Damn." Tony let his head fall back on his shoulders. "Now, that's roughing it."

**Author's Note:**

> A fill for the Wilderness Survival square on my Bingo card.


End file.
